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Preseason Skinny for the 2007 Season

[Editor's Note: We received the skinny after Week 2, but didn't get it up online until after Week 3.]

"Football is like life. It requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority."
— Vince Lombardi

Ah yes, the smell of clean crisp air, the leaves turning, and the smell of lime on a football jersey from being knocked to the ground by your enemy. Yes folks, it's football time, time to enjoy one of America's favorite pastimes.

Before we get started, I predicted last year would be a wild and wooly one, and it was true till we got to the big game in February. What a joke of a Super Bowl! It was about as fun to watch as Jimmy Houston's bass fishing on Saturday mornings on ESPN. Bet Jimmy got better ratings than that CBS nightmare of a game. But Congrats to the Bolts. They knocked off the receiver-less Patriots in the AFC Championship, coming back from 18 down in the second half to defeat my boys from Foxboro. The AFC rules again.

Some Venting
Well now that week 2 is over, what's buggin' me are some news items. Hey Britney next time you want to go in front of 20 million people (MTV's VMA awards) how 'bout going to rehearsal to lip sync your song, not to mention losing a few pounds? This act had less talent and substance than a Donald Trump book signing. Now you and your boneheaded ex-husband K - "no talent" FED-X are fighting for custody over your children. Let's just say now I know why judges get gray and bald before age 40.

As far as the rest of Hollyweird goes, Lindsay "I can buy my way through life" Lohan stay in rehab, you look bad and sound like Bob Dylan when you talk. I think when you get out you need to hang out in church (and not that Scientology crap) or a library for a year or two. It's sad how your talent and others like you (Joplin, Morrison, Hendrix) just goes to waste. Scary as it sounds you may learn something. Hard to believe Paris Hilton is the moral leader of this group, well till her next internet video anyway. Oh yeah Hollyweird crowd, what's wrong with adopting American kids? Why go to Africa? I mean come on we have thousands of kids here that need adopting. Well I guess that's why Joe Scarborough calls it Hollyweird.

The AFC
Okay, off to the NFL, and as always we start with the AFC East. Spy/video gate is looming in New England, but it will only enhance the Pat's performance this year. Tom "I'll do the right thing with my son" Brady now has a cast of receivers and a running back to work with. If Bill "Bell A Cheat" can mold a defense it's another 14 win season and a cakewalk to the playoffs. The Not Yets/Jets just look dismal with no fire in their offense. I was at the "Video Game" with my daughter Kimmy and I can tell you this much: The Pats didn't need any video that day. The Fish and Spills round up the division. These two teams have about as much chance as John McCain does in the 08 election.

In the AFC South, Houston is the surprise at 2-0, but with Indy in the division the best Matt "I'm better than Michael Vick" Schaub can do is a wildcard spot. The Fightens/Titans and the Scaggs/Jags have some young talent but will lose out in a close race. Speaking of Michael Vick … not worth speaking about. Next division.

The AFC North has gone down faster then the ratings on The View since Rosie left the show. Now Barry "I sing for those 80 and up" Manilow is badmouthing the show. Watch out View execs, those Nielsen daytime ratings are based on those seniors staying home all day. Well if I had to pick someone here it's gonna be the Steelers. Ben "Helmet" Roethlisberger looks to be back, and with this easy schedule, Pittsburgh should prevail. The rest of the division will fight for the wildcard with Carson "don't call me Johnny" Palmer and the Bengals beating up on the Slavins and the Brownies.

In the Wild Wild AFC West I'm going with the easy pick here: The Bolts. Even with Norv "I can't win without Jimmy Johnson" Turner calling the signals. This team was run over roughshod by the Pats in week 2 but they won't see that tough of a competition in this division. The Faders/Raiders have signed LSU's JaMarcus Russell who will start by year's end and have an upset or two to boot. The Chiefs and the Broncs look slower than Donald Trump's hair gel on defense, thus giving the Bolts the division by week 13.

The NFC
In the minor league, also known as the NFC, I have to say the Cowgirls and the Lions are the early picks here. In the NFC East the Beagles are just in a fog with Andy Reid's boys in and out of jail more than the Baldwin Brothers. The Redskins and Giants will maybe get 10 wins between the two of them.

The NFC South is yet another division that is as bad as a presidential debate being moderated by FOX Noise 19 months before the election! I guess if I have to pick someone it's got to be the 0-2 Saints. They will need to come out of the basement, but with the weakest division in the game, it should not be a problem.

In the NFC Norris/North the roar is baack in Detroit. Calvin Johnson has a chance to be a great receiver along with Roy Williams and John "Kit and Kaboodle" Kitna (thanks Chris Berman) tossing the pigskin. The Pack is not back and the Vikes don't have much as far as a defense. The Bears should get the wildcard on their D alone.

Finally in the NFC West I'm jumping on the 49er bandwagon. The Slams/Rams are as old as a Senate committee, and Seattle can't win with a 30-year-old running back, but should hold on for a wildcard. The Cards have a new stadium and some decent free agents the past few years. The desert is a place for the dead or dying, but they could finish third.

Okay, that's it. As always, see you at the Princeton games and maybe another Army game! What a great time last year with my son James.

— Johnny "Football Rules" Maz

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